_{(via rebellgirls)}

Vignette #20

_{1 hr. 45 min.}

_{Like Elizabeth Smart by Grand Central Station I had stopped halfway between the frozen pizzas and the instant breakfast rolls to review my paltry reflection in the frosted freezer windows at Jewel when it suddenly dawned on me that all the irony to last me a lifetime couldn’t stop the world from dissipating right there in my head.}

_{[8:30 to 10:15 is an hour and 45 minutes you motherfucker and if I could only trigger some emotional incentive in you to hate me, I’m certain that would be the end of standing outside abandoned theaters waiting for either one of us to just say goodbye.]}

_{Not that it matters in any case, it was the same way June of ’09 when I really started chipping away at my life in rules of seven minutes to a square. Looking over the Sid’s Home and Garden-dominated skyline of undeveloped suburbia—colorless, odorless, carcinogenic landscape of my youth—I thought to myself not so closely in terms of forever or even tomorrow, but simply just so, and thus stopped thinking altogether. And that was that, really, and it was really no big deal.}

_{Ultimately, nihilism probably wouldn’t be so bad if people had any interest in exploiting it. But then all this apathetic ego, this laconic infatuation, this ambivalent concession of oneself to the outside world of extreme passions and uncertain absolutes do not intelligent entities make. I think: if I had known what’s been happening to you all along, I would have tried to stop it maybe—if I could that is and perhaps only if I knew how. It’s so difficult to say.}

Photoshoot Idea

_{1. Goosebumps}

_{-Bombshell blonde in large translucent shirt and mini shorts/underwear with sunlight halo and henna bleeding down her legs in pseudo-Indian patterns.}

_{-Toni Keller}

_{2. Psychological Afflictions of the Bourgeois Sort}

_{-Solemn clown in bathroom with coffee mug standing on top landing of bleached-white apartment stairwell.}

_{-Sean Crowley}

_{3. Jack}

_{-Pumpkinhead in wifebeater wittling away in forest preserve. (High aperture, shutter speed experiments if leaves falling.) Or standing rigidly in full-body portrait against backdrop of linear aspen.}

_{-Chris Cha}

_{4. Loves-Me-Not}

_{-Out-of-focus couple in background cuddling on pier bench while voyeur with mangy dandelion creeps (essentially).}

_{-Couple??? Hali Palombo/ Mike Krumlauf/ Katherine Anderson for voyeur}

_{5. More Voyeurism!}

_{-Chicago day of me creeping on Mike Krumlauf as he creeps on unsuspecting strangers, yelling at him to pose in “candid” shots, preferable early in the day with a raw sun—train station, el tracks, bridges, alleys}

_{Everybody’s a better person than me.}

…

=D

_{(via restartmyheart)}

_{(via restartmyheart)}

</linear thoughts>

_{Apparently quite a few people assume I’m lesbian or bi. You can’t necessarily clear up rumors just by “coming out and setting the record straight” yourself, so I’m just to going to say that I never really thought of human relationships in such rigid terms as that. Gender and sexuality don’t define people for me. I could be sexually attracted to someone and detest his personality, enjoy spending time with certain people and not really know them at all, care deeply about someone else and never truly be happy when I’m with her. That and maybe finding myself in baths with both guys and girls—not at the same time, mind you—doesn’t seem contradictory to my own identity. I think ultimately I understand myself and how “let’s-not-consult-the-manual-everytime-we-assemble-the-goods” I am about certain facts of life. And what the hell. I guess I’m happy.}